Feel like doing things today. Really just filled with a kind of energy I'm not sure what to do with. You know, its the new semester, classes look good and such, but also, feel like I've left home differently. Said I've left this time with a unfamiliar desire for a backward glance. Perhaps leaving home this time without so many things I wish I had said or done differently. That's very new. Hard to even fall asleap the last few nights; just felt like I wanted to make things, make meaning.

I was troubled for a long time when I lost my ability to feel like I was living in created fantasy worlds in my head. Feel now like I've at last created a way of fully living in a world I don't want to leave.

Sitting taller all the time. Thought for so long I couldn't. Guess it was the other way around. Someone told me the other day I was walking on water. Feel more like its water between where we're walking. Each inefficiency, each maladaptive habit I dig out of my mind and body I dig out now to better understand the world, to better understand my connection to it. Seems a good portion of the world feels my will is only separating me from everyone else. Don't know what to say to that.

All this stuff I think I know tells me being clear on how and why things are happening is so important, but it seems for too many this clarity feels like an inconvenience, a disservice, or an unwanted authority. Hard to know what to do. Listening more, talking less all the time to some. Feel like they need to hear different things, but my voice won't help until I learn how to speak with them rather than at them. More of a task than I'd thought, and I've realized in too many presents that I've not even been working at it in the past, though I certainly thought I was. Like I'm digging for something, but all I find is letters telling me I'm digging in the wrong direction. I look at my map and it seems clearer every time, feel I'm getting better at digging all the time, but the letters all look the same. Guess I'm spending more time digging though, probably worth something.

Feel more awake. I look around and see so many just moving boxes back and forth, talking about each thing they're moving, but they all look the same to me. Just gotten rid of enough things that I have time to stop moving them around I suppose. Feel like saying something, tell people there are better things to talk about than boxes, but they make so much noise, and the things is, its not that I'm really any good at talking about other things myself, just that I've gotten good at watching, listening, to things beyond my boxes. I feel good at answering questions, but not so good at asking them. Always felt better at doing things for the world than asking the world anything. They're probably not really so separate though. What the world really needs done is a lot of question asking anyway. A good part of the work I ought to be doing for the world is working at better making others feel like they're contributing something to my being. I see that the work the world needs is collaborative work, and I feel like I don't do it as well as I'd like. Need to learn how to ask you for help constructing our understanding.

In Shawano for the break if anyone's looking. Back to Viterbo within a week.

Several books and a few classes ago, I thought I had some idea where this was going, some sense of what I wanted it to be. Wisdom replaces knowledge with questions, things that are regarded as truth with things that are important.

This seems relevant to what I want to say, if nothing else, read the book and tell me not so, because this is a book that simply demands to be discussed.

“Mmm, one does have to learn to look at art. But it's up to the artist to use language that can be understood. Most of these jokers don't want to use language you and I con learn; they would rather sneer because we 'fail' to see what they are driving at. If anything. Obscurity is the refuge of incompetence. Ben, would you call me an artist?” ~ Robert Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

People have said this before to me; it wasn't so much a new idea as a restatement that gave cause for reassessment. Its a question I don't have a good answer to, and one that I think like a wide majority of people in my world, I've tabled for later. We either tell ourselves: 1, never mind whether what we are creating is a system closed to meaningful effects on others, that can be decided after the system is complete, or 2, we move the question down a bit without answering it by noting the observable effects of our systems on the larger world, but never assessing whether these effects are meaningful. This becomes, of course, much more complicated (and frightening) when one system appeals to another for meaning, which in turn appeals to another ad infinitum, with the structure of appeals itself said to be unassailable due to all the time it saves us (and everyone clearly likes to save time).

Perhaps all this is all sidestepped if we create all meaning, but I think not. It seems meaning can only exist in the context of connection, that is, there are, yes, an infinite number of things that can be created and meaningful, but that does not mean anything created is meaningful, or that there can be no categories containing that which could have meaning. Seems that anything that is going to have meaning has to tell people (or be a kind of tool for learning) something about the nature of their connections to things that they believe able to also understand this something. I'll grant that I'm not sure I like all the implications of this, but it seems better to have flawed criteria for meaning than to have none or appeal to one backed by gold backed by rainbows.

Here's a thought: Specialized skills and knowledge is something we probably have to entertain in order to survive, but specialized interests, or confusing identity with any kind of specialization makes for a lot of trouble. Maybe more on this later.

So here at last. Never seems like I get lucky enough to remember to write when I've got the chance to. Guess I'll have to reroll my luck; probably just come up cloudy; I'll throw those stones again next time I get around to writing.

That paper was accepted at an undergraduate philosophy conference in Oregon. Plane leaves April 18th. Supposed to do a commentary piece on someone else's paper by the 10th. Frankly, the paper I'm commenting on is worrying me about the quality of the rest of the conference in a bad way. Hope's on the paper being a fluke. I guess I shouldn't complain though, I'm fairly certain I can help the guy improve it, and that's probably what this sort of thing should be about.

Damn, meant to be in bed by now. This is important though. Started journaling again. Can't remember why I stopped. Seems like it must have been a bad idea.

In other news, I've become convinced an ethics of care will save the planet, and moreover, any progress we can make without one functioning will simply have to be reexamined after one is in place, so its really quite unproductive for much more to be done until we get it figured out. Someone get back to me on this, yea? Pseudo-irony: mentioned in passing: feminism.

I'd mention some sort of significant value that's remained static in the last few months, but I'm busy figuring out how to redraw blanks.

If you want to kick the crap out of the planet, I'm not sure how long the fight is going to take, but I'm sure you'll win. Bits of justified indoctrination: Ask Google to invest in pB11 fusion, stop eating meat, buying things you don't need is not justified, even if we can burn enough carbon to recycle them. Consider what makes you you. Throw every answer on the table of love for a plurality of other-selves. If its love, it'll come back, for what it's worth, you've got the writings of this other.

The here and there are back again. Lets us dance again sometime: Goodnight.

So I'm thinking that if the site I blog on updates itself more than my page does, that's probably bad.

At any rate, I'm trying to write a paper right now, probably the most significant thing I'll write for a while. I'd say its also the most significant thing I've written so far, but I've written so little in the last few years (relatively) that that statement simply wouldn't mean much.

Wow! spell check (novel glee ensues); I guess I do need to update more.

So I'm writing on the nature of aggressiveness as understood by Jacques Lacan. I'd post the paper here when I finish it, but somehow I think that will make it less likely to be accepted to any sort of undergraduate journal I try to submit it to.

To him who it may or may not still concern, the five year investment audit is halfway complete; so far it looks something like this:

March 2, 2007 bought approx 20% FTO, 60% GOOG, 15% T, 5% AXCA.
August 7, 2007 bought additional FTO and AXCA, resulting in approx 35% GOOG, 28% AXCA, 28% FTO, 9% T.
Currently holding approx 35% GOOG, 35% AXCA, 23% FTO, 6% T, $ 1%,
for total gains before tax and commission at approx 35% over 8 months (equivalent to 53% annual over period)

In other news, I'm on my third roommate since my last post. Things are looking much better with the current one, I can count the number of actual conversations I've had with him on no fingers whatsoever. Also minus one girlfriend in the last month; thinking somewhat clearer already. A relationship from which I learned enough and the concept thereof "enough", either I didn't have enough emotion or she didn't have enough reasoning, at any rate, we didn't make enough concessions and enough became as they say... enough (probably enough said about this, although I can't stress enough how excited I am to begin starting new relationships that have nothing to do with the old one, love, or emotion, but rather the importance of reason).

Looking forward to next semester, should have me across the board from auditing the second semester of university physics, to sadly finishing out my study of the piano, resuming my studies of French (language as well as their wonderful foil fencing), conducting some psychological research about I don't know what, going though the process of lining up some schooling in Europe, and most excitingly of all, role playing (yes like D&D) with middle school kids in an attempt to improve their reasoning skills.

Really have to get back to that paper now, I think my site needs a symbolic makeover, but that will have to wait until finals are over.

In light of recent events, I feel it necessary to state the following:

In as few words as possible, if everyone in the world wake decided by tomorrow that the possession, creation, use, or practice of certain things was strictly serious taboo, I would be most happy if these things were:

(in order of significance)

1. The hatred (lack of love) of any life by another life
(also possibly contianing the following nine)
2. The usage of fossil fuels to transport people on the ground
3. Marriage before the later of both members being over 18 and both members consenting to engagment for 3 years
4. Abortion when the mother's life is not predicted to end due to birthing
5. Intentionally imparing human ability to reason or motorfunction beyond the equivalent of a blood alcohol level of .1
6. The use of fossil fuels other than uranium to generate electricity
7. Pornography (in the nonartistic sense)
8. The "Standard" system of measurment
9. The use of cosmetics
10. Political campaigning in any from other than live debate

Though I am thouroughly aware of the incomplete and hopefully ever-changing nature of the preceeding, I do feel that having completed over eighteen years of an extensive process involving (arguably) logic, experience, and debate, also called (with a rough void of modesty) my life to this point, I am at least entitled to the communication of my Utopean Ideals to my future self.

On a side note, the resurfacing of my writing in tiny journals has occoured, and for better or worse, I find myself again scribbling madly from time to time in a fassion that is quite reminiscent of an earlier chapter in my life. At any rate, this resurfacing possibly resembles the important return of something else, but alas, that remains to be seen.

Goodnight.

You know, the better part of my mind is abuolutely positive that I am able to fly.

An airpane, that is. I mean, I'm really sure that I could do it. If I was in a plane and all the polits suddenly fainted, I would seriously be the guy who would say "Sure, I'll fly". It just seems liks something I know how to do.

However, I'm not in complete delusion. I know very well that there is a good reason for all the flight schools in the world, and a good reason you have to have a pilot's liscence to fly an airplane, even other than the obvious security risks. It's pretty simple, if you get an airplane off the ground and realize that you were in fact mistaken in your assumptions of knowledge, you are very likely not going to survive to tell the tale.

I also know that I almost certainly have less experience than many people who can't fly. This is something that hard to measure, with the vast majority of people not exactly testing their lack of flight abilities on a regular basis, but it is something that I am willing to say that I am fairly sure about. I've probably spent two hundred hours or so playing flight simulation games, and for some reason, this just seems to be enough to have me convinced of my ability.

I even know that I have never really done anything like flying before. I accept the more experience based knowledge of people who have told me that simulation is never enough to prepare someone to fly by themselves the first time, and such a thing should never be attempted. I accept this, that it should not be attempted, but I still believe that I could, theoretically, do it sucessuflly.

What's the point? What's this all supposed mean?

Allow me to explain. (First, something warm to drink, here we are, hot chololate, and let's go!)

This is an example of how I feel towards something, and also a decent example of how I feel towards something else. I'm not sure if comming right out with the exact words is the best idea, though, because i wish to convey also the difficulty that I have explaining myself, when this position is actively challenged. If that doesn't make any sense, keep reading.

See, pending any highly unlikely sitiuation where higher things like life, total happiness, or feedom come into question, I'm never really going to fly a plane by myself. Even though I am certain that I could do it safely, it just is not going to happen. If I could do it with no consequence, with no cost, legally, it just would not happen.

Why?

It is not that I doubt it would be fun that stays me. Its the fact that I just do not need to, and it would not have any lasting benifits that would be important to me. I can be perfectly happy not flying a plane, and there is no point in engaging in something that would be highly contriversial to others who know me unless I'm really gaining something worth the controversy. I do not like having to justify my actions to a majority unless I have to, and especially not if I can aviod having to without the sacrifice of sound moral actions and principles.

Most importantly though, I'm happy without flying. How do I know I wouldn't be more happy if I was?

I don't, but I'm happy now, and it is enough.

These are now on my door, can you guess why?
I wonder how long they will last...


One man, sick in his mind,
Repeats a phrase that never meant anything.

One man, sick in his demeanor,
Repeats a phrase that used to mean something.

I would ask you this, oh fine worded fiend,
Who is the madder of the men?
More aptly, who is the crazier?


In Search of the Way

In the soul, a grain of truth does lie.
Hidden, lost, and seldom used,
Staying that which our dead sole would dye.

Red on White or Black and Blue,
Bloodied and bruised,
But to our soul we look—
—find, for whiteness anew.

Finding that which would bring us changed.
To a place unfamiliar to where we were,
Making us wonder at ourselves, deranged?

Crazy or not, knot over knot,
We must be tied to be sure,
But kneed not the needed rope tied—
—loose, us to this—
—that, newer, improved spot.

Beginning! I am now in La Crosse, Wisconsin, typing from the desk of my dorm in Viterbo University! How exciting! Classes began on Monday, and for the record, college is awesome, classes are awesome, and I did finaly metamorphasize into a studying student, which was surprisingly painless.

Ending... So ends my career as a half-working student in the land of Shawano, and sadly so, but not so sadly that I would choose to go back.

I do write with an attempt to reach out across another dimension, and this dimention is personality. I write not to people, but to minds, or types thereof. I would, in perfection, have only those few people who I believe would react positively to my writing, read past the first sentance.

If you wished to contact me directly, I am sorry that I was not able to speak with you in Shawano, but I will be back again someday. As (nearly) always, it is your move, but I will not give up if there is no response.

Good luck on your own stories, whereever they take you, and of course...

Goodnight.

As creatures of habit, it is of course all to easy for us to become lost in our path and begin to wander with only a single star as a guide. To travel with pattern as a destination, to stay alive for life on the morrow, is to be dead to the wonderful life that we have missed in our looking at the pattern.

Work is not an excuse. However, it is not necessary for all of us to switch jobs even once in many years, so long as we can think of the things we have accomplished outside of work, we are not lost. For many, this is simple, and for those of us, congradulations, but stay wary, for each has his or her own level to work at.

Once we develope or rather deconstruct the pattern of work, we can begin to work on our life at home. Food, drink, liesure time, again, we need not vary them so much as be able to vary them in theory. If coffee in the morning is good, drink away, but do not become upset when you forget to stock up and run shory or dry, but rather laugh at the chance to try a new tea. Hobbies are wonderful, especially ones that change. Art is good for this, whereas gardning can become a pattern, another form of work. Do not rotate your garden to change the nutrients in soil areas, change your garden so that when you walk up to it, the sights and smells are different each year.

Of course, work and leisure, if depaternized, can lead by themselves to a very happy existnace, but there can be more still, in the hardest of all areas of life to depaternize. What can this be? Love, of course.

What is a good patern in love? Hand holding, back rubbing, complementing, and all manner of support, of course. But there are also common paterns that do not add to love, but subtract instead. Greetings, small talk, gifts (or lack thereof), time spent in company. All when paternized, encourage the degredation of that "first love" the love that was "how we used to be", of course these terms are nothing more than the meaning of the lack of a developed pattern.

Look at the quilt, love the quilt, but make each square different, so that the only uniformity is the beauty of the whole.

Goodnight, and good quilting.